~Until The Lion Learns to Write, Every Story will Glorify the Hunter.~
-African proverb
Another phrase is, “Lions don't bother themselves with the opinions of sheep”
Here is the thing, I will not tell you this process is simple. It’s a commitment, not a quick fix, no magic wand and life never stops testing! You're making a decision to improve YOUR personal wellbeing, you can not control how other people feel about it.
That said, I had people who one hundred percent encouraged my decision to really fully emerge myself in a total life reacclimation. Then I had the ones who seemed to be fans and advocate for genuine happiness. However, they were front and center waiting for me to trip...it really hurt to depths I was not prepared for. Then the wolves, ones who had been waiting for years unknowingly to just see me vulnerable, that helped to overcome the fears I had of failing that's where the wolves made a huge mistake they also unknowingly exposed themselves and I was able to hyperfocus on failure not being an option. If no one is aspiring to be like you, you're not inspiring!
I am, I believe an extremely strong person! If the wolves were capable of getting to me, how was I ever going to make it through my most vulnerable time of my life???? That I chose to do!!!! I wasn't forced to do this by anyone but myself.
Quick Backstory:
I was in a major car accident, I had severe right frontal lobe damage. I have been to hell and back and had to re-route my thought process, all while learning how to talk again properly, drive and not put my phone in the most obscure places. Made numerous playlists to help with time management. I arranged my clothes, to cut down on stress getting ready! Mind you, I was the fashionista girl who went in my closet and threw a Carie Bradshaw outfit on in minutes. I was a MESS!!!
So many of the qualities I loved about myself were so far out of focus. I love that I found out how resilient I was. It took years but when I realized I could change those things why not more? See my accident came with some fun heart conditions as well so I was required to keep my blood pressure and heart rate low…
Insert me previously being a very reactive person, I really didn’t like that about myself, because here is the thing… NO MATTER HOW RIGHT YOU ARE YOU WILL LOSE YOUR PLATFORM, IF YOU LOSE YOUR SHIT!!! Oh and I was always ready before, as if I had to prove my point to people who would not have given me CPR if I pumped a heart attack, trying to make them hear me or understand. I can not tell you how grateful I found the ability to mentally come up with strategies for things I needed to simplify to feel less stress.
I was on the beach in Tulum, Mexico
I went on an excursion and it was an eco-friendly beach no or low tech environment (if you have never been look into it) I left my hotel, in another part of Tulum and I had a phone, towel the bathing suit that I was wearing and another with me an additional outfit. I had my wallet, a small makeup bag and my passport.
I was laying in the baby powder sand and there was no noise, just the soft waves and then I looked around and realized this is who I am, this is my normal. I had found my bliss, when it hits you you know! I wasn't leaving that spot until I figured out how to make my life more simple, in the parts that were the hardest but unseen.
I called the other establishment and let them know I would not be back with the excursion, and I stayed there until I did. With all my belongings (in my excursion bag lol) locked inside a trunk in a bungalow with only 2 tealight candles at night (I forgot kind of quickly how high maintenance I really was at the time) I was running in sand in the middle of the night during a HORRIBLE thunderstorm from my unlit bungalow! To go pee soaking wet in pretty much in a Posh Hostile, I’ve never stayed in a Hostile I’m told it was not really the same! This to me was so out of character and I was laughing so hard and I honestly expected nothing less at this point! I was realizing the beauty didn’t come without the terrifying and I was ok with it. I loved it!!!
I realized for the first time, everything I’d done in my entire adult life…I’d had to defend, but why! My path was not anyone elses! No one knows everything about me, what I had taken on, what I had let go to make others happy, the hurt I felt trying to be who everyone thought I should be and constantly feeling like I had let people down. Most of all no one knew how strong I was or how exhausted trying to live a life that was ok with everyone but me. I told myself, “If I make it through tonight without bailing I can reach that level of beauty and happiness in my life everyday, to the level I felt today!”
In The Morning It Was Like The Storm Never Happened…
So with the beautiful blue sky, soft waves rolling in I WALKED to, not called (no phone in a bungalow), the Pseudo Lobby-Coffeehouse I instantly booked another night! Looking around I saw everyone on their phones with their limited wi-fi and looking like they had been through hell from the Lighting Storm the night before. I found myself thinking, “This is the moment! I get it not from a book, not a personality test, not therapy, not a successful business, a partner, children. The things that typically defined me, this is beyond a happiness I have felt previously because it has nothing to do with what I did! It was what I didn’t do, I found in total darkness and scary chaos beautiful almost divine clarity!” NO ONE was taking nor will they take that away from me no matter how much I love them! If they really love me they would never want to...right?
WRONG
I found Shifting to be...
Challenging, I had to be prepared for attacks with full knowledge I could not respond as predicted. This meant I had to bite my tongue till it bled! Out of everything I’ve done as far as gaining more self control on this path! I became “Proactive vs Reactive” this has been the most testing. So you need to be prepared for triggers! You need to figure out on case by case relationship. Who your’re dealing with and how to preemptively prepare to handle in while this “New Evolving” and utterly exposed emotional being, all while trying to feel strong! Remember the less predictable behavior you give this just the stops giving the satisfaction of getting reaction that shows lack of restraint, irrational behavior. You stop giving over your wellbeing, that once gave them a validation of some sort! It’s going to make them come at you harder, cut deeper... they want their desired response. Don’t give it to them!
If you do are hurt and you need to let them know....the person they are attacking doesn’t exist! If they want to talk, listen don’t fight. Tell them if, “I will need to think of things from your perspective or place. I need to process.” FIRST!!!! Make sure this is something they actually wish to repair! (Not fight in two weeks over the same thing) you will promise to think of solutions so everyone is happy.
Use this time to journal and go over in your mind and really, if you think this is someone hurt who needs to feel heard. Do take time to work on it, if it’s family close friends, sometimes you need a reset button.
However, if this is something that as you grow stronger see someone intentionally trying to stifle your change because it makes them feel inferior at the time, they are not on your same path. Respect that, protect your dignity realizing your not indulging in toxic relationships, make no apologies. Simply say, “I’m taking a lot of time to work on myself genuinely, and I’ve heard you, I respect your perception we just aren’t going to, at this point and time agree....it’s that simple. You never know this person may be insprired at some point or find you seem happy and may actually want to grow as well.
When you’re shifting your not steadfast so protect your bridges, don’t burn them. If you can’t find a answer right away, it’s ok you’re learning you!! Your journey! So you may be blown off course. It’s ok, I still do. Everyone does, you will find your more aware of peoples intentent or investment in you and the relationship, No matter what type it is. You just need to have slower thought out answers and your’re allowed to say I need a minute to process. I say this because YOU need to figure out what your normal reaction would be and why. Learn and grow with your responces, journal your interaction and the difference.
Be Strong, Be Proud!
Julie x
